i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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