My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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