Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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