He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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