i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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