while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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