Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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