There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
