i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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