In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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