Your face is a jimmy john
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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