I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
