i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
