got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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