How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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