Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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