I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize