i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
