She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
