youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
