how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize