Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
