my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
soo... how was my night?
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