my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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