It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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