You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
