I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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