I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
