why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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