I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
