If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
