Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
