I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
