Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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