this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
