He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
