her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
