He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
