I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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