Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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