Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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