I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
