I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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