he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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