Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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