Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
