Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
