to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
