His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
