Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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