She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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