You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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