I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
