The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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