I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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