this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
