Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
